Tuesday, 26 November 2013

My Mental Illness

I have been wanting to write about this for a while, regular readers will have noticed that the blog took a little break around September/October time, well I say the blog when i actually mean me, see I crashed,stopped functioning became fucking useless and needed to getaway for the sake of my sanity.

I have a mental illness, actually i have had one for years and have been on medication to keep it under control which did work, like Johnathon Trott mine to is stress related, All i will say on Trotts situation is that he will receive the best care and support a person could ask for, the reason I wont say anymore is that each mental illness is unique to that person and that the treatment for that person is tailored around their individual needs and situation.

Back to me tho, my illness came on because i took on too much, to much responsibility, i made to many promises that in the end i could not keep but instead of being honest with myself and others i soldiered on because I did not want to let people down, the effects of this meant i was not able to sleep properly as i had not had time to process everything that had happened during that day, I didnt want to be a burden on my friends even tho my friends knew of my illness and have always been supportive of me, but i didnt see it that way, i was ill, stressed and almost on 100% auto pilot , just doing my best to fulfill those promises made.

So I went away for a month to refresh, to get some order back into my life, to get my head right, to use my network of friends and support, to try and win one more battle and to try and return to some sort of normality. I said "to try and win one more battle" because since was young i have been fighting and scrapping just to exist , where children expect to spend first years of their life learning, playing and being loved by loving parents mine was the opposite as i wrote here over a year ago, instead of a childhood I have this void filled by bitterness, hate, rage and pain which is aimed at one person, Me.

Now I am back and straight back into the fire, while i was away no bills got paid, i went overdrawn and everything slid. I look back at the last 6 months at see the amount of bad decisions I made, be it bad decision to do with finances to bad decisions about my own health (mental and physical) and somehow i have to clear up this mess, the mess i am 100% responsible for.

For the last two nights i have spent 2-3 hours thinking about the best way to kill myself before i have managed to get to sleep, Do I overdose? Jump in front of a train? Jump of a building? Take poison? Cut my wrists?,And then I think of the "When" "How" and choosing the one that will have the least effect on others for this is the least i can do considering the amount of misery and pain i have caused others during my existence  , This is the battle I am having with myself every night and every day, this is the battle i need to win.

This is my mental illness!


  1. I love you billy and u r my role model espically now when I see ur honesty.
    my father says that suicide is committed by cowards and u r vry brave man,
    therefore never let us down

  2. Billy... 'This is a battle you must win' and one you can win. I have suffered with similar issues for half my life. No matter how far one distances oneself from the problem, regardless of how well things seem to be going at any particular juncture, the sneaky fucker comes right back to take a big bite out of your ass. Endless hopelessness and the only person to blame is yourself... I know only too well. Your bravery in making these issues public is admirable - I probably haven't even admitted the problem to myself completely yet, yet alone anyone else... I can't really offer advice nor would I presume to do so, as you say each persons problems are their own. I can offer only some feeble support by writing to you now to and reiterate that you are not alone, things can get better... If you have friends and family, talk to them, keep them close and make sure you make an extra effort to truly recognize the love they have for you... best of luck and I look forward to seeing you later in the ashes series!

  3. I have no idea what's bothering you. However, I do know you as a person who has brought smiles on many faces when we see on the field. Again, I have no idea where that ranks for you, how much it matters. But if you can find it in your heart to remember the moments when you brought smiles to others, it will do them and you some good if you can think of extending that gesture a bit further, for a few more years, for the rest of your life.

  4. Hey - I can relate to this and it sounds very familiar: taking too much on, making promises I can't keep, fearful of letting others down, not able to sleep properly, not wanting to be a burden, thinking about ending it all. I've been there and I think I have some idea of how black you're feeling. You can get to the point when you begin to give up, and to lose hope. I've been there, too. It's a long, hard road back, but let me tell you, having just abou made it, that it's a HELL of a lot better than the alternative. For me it begun with a doctor telling me I could get better, and with some medication that help me sleep and just lifted me a little.
    Like you say when you're this way out you can take bad decisions. That's because of the way you're seeing the world when you're feeling the way you are doing. Perhaps there's part of you that doesn't want to get help (that's taking on too much again) but in my experience anyone who's feeling like you are now needs help and support. I have to say my experiences with the NHS Mental Heath services over the past year or so have been great; there are people there who really want to help you through this.
    Just one more thing - I've noticed the number of page views this bblog has: getting of for a quarter of a million. That's phenominal achievement. It shows that you're capable of creating something special, and if you've done that with your blog the chances are you've done it in other parts of you lfe, too. Give yourself some credit for all the things you've got right - they'll be many more than you realise.

  5. There is no easy way out of this. First of all, you need to face your worst fears. Write all the worst possible things that could happen to you. Losing money, wife, fame and all.. Face them in their face head on. Most of these fears are those that are created by you in your mind. Release your inhibitions and fears.

    Friend if you keep things in perspective --- Plot a graph of time line versus #of human beings. See where you fit. you wil notice that you are not even a blip in the whole scheme of things.. Why make life complex.. Remember when you die you wont take any thing with you. But you do leave a legacy. Your LEGACY is solid. Billy Bowden is respected around the world. What more can you expect in this tiny blip of yours. Live your life to the fullest.. forget past..dawn a new beginning and stop pleasing people. People pleasures generally go through this strain. Good or Bad you are what you are. I came out of this situation pretty strong just in 6months. Yes my life became tough..but I didn't know how to overcome them. One fine morning.. as usual woke up with anxiety.. and realized what the hell this is all for..I stopped resisting my brain thoughts and told myself what the hell could happend.. you know what nothing much changed.. The progress started with this.. in about a months time I started feeling better and in 6 months I am normal now. You can and will get better.. Trust and back yourself and allow the human body to take care of the rest...

  6. Christine Roderick26 November 2013 at 23:47

    Billy Bowden you're a star

  7. Wow, im inspired by you all and the support. Sometimes talking to strangers is easier, & once you open your mouth & tell your problem hopefully it weighs a little lighter. I'm well impressed with you & all your responses, talking is the most important thing, even sometimes when you don't want to.

  8. This is the first time I've read your blog and I won't patronise you and say that I understand EVERYTHING you're going through. However, I can definitely relate to this post and I can honestly say that it does get better. Carry on plodding through life and you'll find out ;) Plod mate, plod!

  9. Sorry to hear of your difficulties Billy, having not been there myself there's little I can say that would help other than to say there's community of bloggers that wish you well and all the best in your battle.

  10. One thing that gets me through the day and night, when I've thought to myself, "You know, Dear Lord, you can take me anytime-- I'm ready whenever you are," is to think: "Something somehow will make my death ironic-- ' 'e shoulda 'ung on a bit more, 'e'da seen it all turn 'round, but, like a fool, 'e topped 'imself!' Well, I won't give anyone a laugh-- will I? I'll stick around, just for pure mean spite!"